Childhood and adolescence are where this tension is loudest, because the pressure to conform is at its peak just as the drive to become an individual is waking up. Feeling different, in this framework, is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is the friction of two healthy needs rubbing against each other. The child who feels different is feeling the pull toward individuality at a stage when the pull toward conformity is strongest. That is uncomfortable, but it is also exactly how a distinct self begins to...
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Part of why these feelings hit so hard is that the brain's response to social rejection is fast, automatic and surprisingly indifferent to context. Kipling Williams spent decades studying ostracism using a deceptively simple online game called Cyberball, in which participants are left out of a virtual game of catch. His temporal need-threat model describes a reflexive sting of rejection that arrives almost instantly, threatening core needs (belonging, self-esteem, control and a sense of meaningful existence) before the thinking brain has time to weigh in (Williams, 2009).
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